On Tuesday morning I turned on the TV and watched one of my favorite sports radio hosts, Colin Cowherd, talk about the Lakers’ horrible loss to the Thunder. As a Lakers fan, I was disgusted. Normally, I stay away from sports radio on the day of a loss. Colin started arguing that if you are a true Lakers fan then you want the Lakers to lose—that way, the worse that they lose, the more likely they are to make a change next year. He went on to say if they barely lose, then the management will say okay, we are close.

This got me thinking about life. There are times when we won’t make a change until things get really bad. When things are just “okay,” they are bearable. We are not necessarily happy, but things have not gotten bad enough to say hey, we need to change.

People do it everyday in life. Heck, I have done it. The problem is that we should not root for ourselves to lose, but sometimes we need to lose in the short term to win in the long term.

Have you ever been in a relationship where things were not great, but not that bad either? It’s not that you are unhappy, but that spark is not there. Perhaps you did the same thing over and over. You went to the movies on Friday nights, you ate at the same Chinese restaurant every two weeks, you were in a routine. What do you do, do you get out? Do you have a talk? What many people do in life is that they swallow their feelings until things take a wrong turn.

People do it in their jobs. People do it with their friends. People do it with their kids. There are times when it’s necessary. After all, you cannot keep hassling yourself and saying I want more, more, more.

The answer is always ask yourself if you want this life. Do I deserve better? What conversations do I need to have?

There are times when the answer is yes, I want more! Conversely, there are times when you need to ride it out.

Other than an outright cure for cerebral palsy, there’s one other thing I want to see in my lifetime: a self-driving car. It should be here now, right?

There are three areas that my disability affects—communication, mobility, and independence.

I can’t wait for the day when I can get into my car and just tell it to take me to Santa Monica or to meet a friend who I haven’t seen for a while or I’m bored one day and feel just like going to see a movie on a whim, not caring about who wants to go with me.

This technological breakthrough can not only help me and my selfish desires, but can dramatically improve productivity. Imagine a businessman in Los Angeles who has a forty-five minute commute. Instead of driving, he hops into the car and gets out his laptop and just starts to work.

Imagine a mother or father getting into their car and instead of driving, reads or plays with their children. How cool would that be?

So, again, where is my self-driving car?

Last Saturday was the one-year anniversary of when I met my fiancé Leslie.

Earlier that day, I was in San Diego giving a speech. It was one of my favorite speeches ever. It was at a time when I lost myself a little bit. I did not know if I wanted to continue speaking. Also, the months were filled with angst because I had been really focused on getting out there and dating. My mind is always going a hundred miles per hour. I woke up that morning, got ready, and went to a luncheon where I spoke to the Women’s Trojan League and I loved it. I loved every minute of that trip. I had dinner the night before with a college friend of mine. I sat on the balcony of my hotel that had a partial view of the ocean. On stage I was on fire.

I had known about Leslie from my cousin Babak. He told me about her the week before. I came home from the speech and around 8:30 I received a text from Babak’s girlfriend introducing me to my now fiancé. We chatted for about ten minutes online, and that was the beginning of something incredible.

Before I met Leslie, I thought about love a lot. It had been six years since I broke up with my first girlfriend. Everything else in my life was incredible. I had just moved into my new house, but love was elusive. Part of me felt like a freak. Who would fall in love with me?

A year later, I was talking to my fiancé and we were both chatting about that day and how we cannot wait to see each other in three weeks.

On Sunday night, I got into bed and watched television. I saw on the DVR that my best friend and roommate Patrick had recorded the movie The Cooler, a dark drama about a guy who cools off hot casino tables. I instantly had a flashback to the first time I watched the movie—Christmas Eve 2004. I was in a complete funk. I had no job, I didn’t know whether my disability would stop me, I was interested in a girl who didn’t return the sentiment. I was a mess.

I went to Pat’s house just to get away from it all. We spent Christmas Eve watching The Cooler and Christmas watching basketball.

As I laid in bed on Sunday staring at the name on the DVR, I instantly replayed everything that was happening at that time in my head and I smiled because now I am in a good place. I had just finished talking to my fiancé Leslie, I was sleeping in the master bedroom of my own place, I had my best friend Pat two door down, I just celebrated my mom’s birthday with my whole family, and life is good.

Oftentimes I focus too much on where I want to go, but sometimes I have to look in the rear view mirror and see where I’ve been. One of my problems is that my mind is ten steps ahead. Sometimes that’s a good thing.

I have been really anxious the last few months. Also, I have been hesitant to commit to a path. I have been scared of not liking success. Boy, am I a mess. When anybody starts something big they should be aware of what can go wrong but not dwell on it.

When I look back on my life, everything big involves something that went horribly wrong. If someone told me ahead of time everything that would go wrong, I wouldn’t do a thing. When I went to USC, if someone told me I was going to have a heck of a time finding assistants or one night would hit my mouth against the heater, eventually knocking out my front teeth, there was no way I would have done it. If someone told you everything that went wrong at the airport would you take that trip?

It’s akin to going on a first date. You don’t compare credit reports, you don’t get DNA tests to make sure there’s no incompatibilities. You just enjoy yourselves and see if you dig each other. If you think about everything that could go wrong, then nobody would go on a date.

All my life I’ve had to plan extensively for everything. I try to live in the moment. I know that there will be mistakes. There are times when I will feel like an idiot, when I will have regrets, but at the end of the day, I should not let the future scare me.

My old car was on its last legs, so last week we decided it was time to get a brand new car.

My thinking was that I wanted to completely run it into the ground before I got a new car. In Los Angeles, where cars represent status, I couldn’t get excited about getting a new van. After all, no one (who’s anyone) in LA would be caught dead in a van. My parents and I went to Brea (a suburb of LA) to look at some ever-so-exciting new vans and, to my surprise, the Toyota Sienna was quite luxurious. It had more bells and whistles than any car out there. Two DVD players, two sunroofs, navigation system, iPod integration, and Bluetooth.

Now we’re talking!

We decided to pick up the car on Monday.

For whatever reason, the navigation wasn’t working right, because the next thing I knew, my roommate Patrick and I ended up in Vegas. (Just joking—that was the plan all along.) We both needed a two-day getaway and since Pat’s son David went to Catalina with his neighbor. The boys had to play! We arrived in Vegas around six. I called Leslie just to hear her voice, then it was a night of room service and cocktails.

Wait a minute—I’m getting old.
Room service and cocktails?
I’m a guy who used to stay up in Vegas until at least eight o’clock in the morning. I was in bed by midnight.
Yes, I’m getting old.
Yes, I like it.

The next day, Patty and I watched the home opener of the Dodgers. Then we went to go see the Elvis Cirque du Soleil, which made me think about how much I miss speaking.

One of the reasons I like Vegas is because I am more free in Vegas than anywhere else. I can go play a couple hands of blackjack, go catch a game by myself, and so on. I need less help there than anywhere else. Where I live, I need help going to the store, the mall, and the movies. In Vegas, I can go anywhere in my chair and if it’s too far, I can even catch a cab from any casino. Yes, it might take half an hour, but it’s doable. One time I even caught a comedy show.

So now I’m back in my office writing a blog post. I’m relaxed, happy, and looking forward to my next trip in May, when I’ll see the sweetest girl—Leslie.

I came home from the gym a couple of Fridays ago, ate some lunch, and went online. I had been excited because my fiancé’s visa was almost approved. I imagined her coming here soon. I went online and read the immigration page, only to learn that she had to have a valid passport for six months before she could even interview, which pushes her arrival until at least August or September.

It made me think about how excited I’ve been to see her. I miss her more now than ever. Since she can’t travel here as soon as I anticipated, I decided to take a trip to the Philippines to visit her and on the way back I’m going to Hawaii.

This is what I’ve always wanted. I feel blessed to be in a committed relationship. I love the little things such as Leslie being the last person I talk to before I fall asleep or getting her early morning text messages telling me to have a nice day.

If that’s not enough, I remind myself about how hard it was to get to this point. I spent over ten years wondering and agonizing over if, when, and how I would find somebody…and here it is.

I have it.

Before Leslie, there was a part of me that would always go to bed with that sense of wonderment, no matter how good my day was. Now, no matter how bad my day is, I go to bed with the satisfaction of knowing someone half way around the world is thinking about me and that is cool. Way cool.

But guess what? It’s only the beginning. I can’t wait to live with her, to marry her, and have a family.

Last week I debated whether I would rather be disabled for life or be disabled in an accident…or something like that.

I just read a book by Matt Long called The Long Run. Matt was a firefighter in New York and he had a terrible bike accident that left him disabled. He ultimately regained most of his body control and ran a marathon.

What struck me was the way he discussed everything he missed–including how he was perceived by women, how he missed going out for steak and beer, and most of all how he missed running.

He really missed running.

He described running as his lifeline. All he wanted to do was run a marathon.

It got me thinking a little bit more about what I wrote last week. When Matt talked about running, there was a hunger there that, in a weird way, I don’t understand. I mean, I have fantasies about not being disabled, but the memories he had of running were different than my fantasies of not being disabled. Needless to say, it is different and I’m a little bit more confused about life’s big questions.

Would I rather be handicapped my whole life or be hurt in an accident? I don’t know.

Last Friday I had a hang nail on my left toe.

(TMI, I know, but there’s a point.)

My dad ripped it off and it started bleeding.

When I’m not in my wheelchair, I maneuver around my bedroom and living room on my knees. Unfortunately, this injured toe does not allow me to do so. In fact, on Sunday it took me ten minutes just to get to the bathroom. Needless to say, I can’t wait for my toe to get better.

The story is about more than my stupid owie. There’s a part of me that has no idea what it means NOT to be disabled. I can imagine and fantasize about not being disabled…and I do. I really don’t know what it’s like though. What I do know is what it’s like to crawl without a bum toe and I miss it.

I’ve been asked a few times whether I would rather have been disabled by accident later in life or be the way I am and disabled from birth. Every time I have an owie like the one I currently have on my toe, the question always comes up, which prompts me in response to always think about the famous Tennyson quote “It’s better to have loved and lost than never have loved before.”

In this instance, my personal bent on this saying is that it’s better to have experienced life as a non-disabled person than never to have experienced it at all.

Complicated, I know.

On the other hand, I know how OCD I can get. I get really OCD. Right now, my daydreams are based on assumptions that are very sexy. But what if I had actual memories of driving a car, playing basketball with friends, and/or chatting up a girl in a bar?

The bottom line is, are dreams more powerful or are they taking away life memories? No matter what, I can’t help but going back to that Tennyson quote.

It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Then again, I am obsessing over a hang nail that will heal very soon. It hasn’t impacted my life that badly. I don’t know how I would react if everything was taken away from me at once. Yes, I say better to love and lost than never loved at all. Perhaps that is my romantic side talking.

To take a great piece of raw meat and turn it into a gourmet caliber, juicy, scrumptious steak requires an arduous, long process that involves seasonings, marination, cooking at the right temperature, a close eye, and proper timing.

Much like a raw piece of meat, raw talent needs also requires a more arduous process of seasoning, tenderizing, and many more things. There are so many people that have raw talent, but they never parlay it into success. Conventional wisdom says that a person has to be good at one thing and master it, but that’s not all that matters. To be elite means to take raw talent and turn it into something incredible.

I often question my own talent, my own path to success. I’m confident in my “raw talent”—I have ideas about life. I have a strong work ethic and I have connections, but there has always been something missing: the ability to hustle, the ability to send a text, and the ability to get on the phone and have a free flowing conversation that is not interrupted by my annoying speech impediment.

My whole goal in life is to take my raw meat and turn it into a gourmet meal. A meal that everybody can appreciate. I understand the importance of the people around me, my network. My main challenge–or opportunity–is to take the people around me and create not only a good steak, but a meal fit for a king.